We gon' be alright.

Alright, so my last blog posts have been a little depressing. This one is here to brighten your outlook on my life.

Life is feeling pretty good lately. I am at a place where I don't feel like I need to be in a relationship, and, honestly, I don't want to be in one. I've realized that what I had with Zach was pretty toxic. As much as I wanted to be with him, it wasn't good for either of us. We fought way more than we should have, I felt super anxious a lot of the time, it was an unhealthy relationship to be a part of. I'm happy Zach realized that and I'm happy that our relationship has basically been reduced to nothing more than Facebook interactions and sharing random reddit posts. And I'm not being facetious here.

All that being said, I met someone who fills my physical needs soooo well. It's odd, because the first time I met him, he came off like such an asshole. I remember leaving Pounds not liking him at all, and thinking I'd never talk to him again. Well, as it turns out, he's actually a really great guy when he's not drinking. He's a lot of fun. And he makes me feel really good.

But it's weird being attracted to someone. Since I started seeing Zach in November, I hadn't really felt any real attraction to anyone. Barry is...I dunno. I don't want a relationship with him at this point. I keep bouncing from relationship to relationship, and I keep finding myself trying to start relationships with people in similar situations to myself, fresh outta long-term relationships and in no place to start new ones. And that's where Barry's at. Plus he has two kids, which...I really don't know how I'd feel being with someone who has kids. Whatever. None of this really matters at this point, because we are just hooking up and feeding our physical needs and desires.

And one more great thing that's happening! My Chicago trip is coming together. I found a host. Well, he found me. So I have a place to stay for the whole weekend. I'm working on the other details now. What I wanna do and see and eat. The guy hosting me sounds like a trip. He messaged me, offering his place for me to stay, then casually mentioned that his apartment is clothing optional and nudist friendly. If you know me, you know how much I love being without clothes. I'm pretty excited to see how this plays out. And before you get all, "He's probably a total creep and he's gonna rape you, blah blah blah," he has references who have stayed with him before. I'm not worried about it. I'm really liking the experiences I've been having with Couch Surfing. You should check it out if you don't know what it is. It's a pretty dope concept.

Anyway, life is good. I saved a yellow jacket on my walk to work today. I also wrote this awesome guide. Check it out!

And it's Toffmonster's birthday! AKA the day I adopted her. She has officially been a part of my family for one year today! Whooooo. Here is a picture to commemorate this day.

After one day living with me. She is tiiiiiiired.

Some day, I'm going to address that I think I have an anxiety disorder (that might be a strong label for it) in regards to relationships. As much as I want to pretend my childhood didn't negatively affect me or how I turned out as an adult, I can't keep denying it. Anyway, another post for another day!

Don't you know it's hard feeling tired every time that you try?

So lately, I've been reflecting on the last nine months of my life. I mean, honestly. It's basically been a shitshow. Let's go back in time, shall we?

Nine months ago, in November, I came back from California. A stupid act caused John to pull away from me. I deserved it, totally. And in return, I pulled away from John. We pretty much abandoned each other instead of trying to fix everything. As a result, I started drinking. A lot. And I wasn't eating much at all. It was probably the lowest I've ever been in my life, and I've been through a lotta shit. For some reason, my best friend, my soul mate, abandoning me was harder than anything I've had to deal with ever. It's still hard to deal with.

Then I met Zach. Zach seemed to be in the exact same place as I was. It was so easy to fall for him. I don't know if, in the beginning, I honestly had feelings for Zach or if he was just the thing I needed at that time. He was definitely not an easy person to have in my life. He was going through his own relationship shortcomings, and he wasn't ready to be with me in any real way. Somehow, his not wanting to be with me helped me realize that I wasn't in a healthy place with John anymore. And maybe I hadn't been for a long time. But because I was so alone, and so drunk, it was easy to end things with John. I probably didn't do it in the best way, but I did it the only way I knew how: crying and drunk.

Things got a little better after that. Zach came back, which I would realize was a pattern of his, where he'd weave in and out of my life at his own leisure. He was pretty reliable for a few months, and that was awesome, because John and I were still living together and John was seeing someone new (he had started seeing her in, like, October, which I knew about) and it was really hard to be home with him. I pretty much lived at Zach's for, like, a month. And it was lovely. I stopped drinking so much. I was eating better because Zach was cooking for me and making sure I was eating.

John moved out in April. Things with Zach were back and forth throughout the next couple months. It was rough. I didn't handle being alone well. Finally in June, Zach decided we were officially going to be a couple. It felt good. It felt like where we were supposed to be. Prior to this, I had decided to have surgery to remove my fallopian tubes. Kids weren't in my future. They never had been and I didn't want to worry about the possibility anymore. This made things weird with Zach, because he wasn't sure what he wanted. The day before my surgery, I had basically a break down. Zach, being the person he is, forced me to have a conversation I didn't want to have, about my fear of him leaving me, of being alone forever, of all these fears I had going into this surgery. At the end of it, I almost made him leave because it felt like the easier option. But he stayed. He wanted to be there for me. He wanted to be with me.

Then I had surgery. It went well. Zach was there the whole time. He took care of me afterwards.

And the next day, things changed. Zach changed. And by Saturday, we weren't together anymore.

It was a rough week after that. I was so scared. It was awful. I felt weak and pathetic and desperate. I started drinking a lot again. And then, things felt okay. I realized that Zach was right. We shouldn't be in a relationship. I'm not ready. He's not ready. But despite that realization, my feelings hadn't changed. And, surprise surprise, I ended up drunk at a bar where Zach was too. And it ended exactly as I should've guessed it would. He gave me a ride home, like a good friend, and we had this ridiculous blow out that I'm still not sure how it started. We were screaming at each other and it was the worst we've ever been to each other. And it ended with me crying in his arms.

All of this. I'm almost 27 and my life feels like a mess I can't keep up with. I need to make some changes, but it's so easy to fall back into the same habits. I don't know what I need. I'm not asking for advice. I won't listen anyway. I just need to get all this out. I need to not keep all these things inside. I need to figure out my feelings and my needs and my wants. I'm just not sure I know how.

Back from the dead.

Well, hello! Long time, no post. I've been meaning to start writing on here again and I just end up doing something else. But tonight, I was out for beers with a friend, and we decided we should create a few goals and stick with them. Here are my goals.

1. Write a blog post at least three times a week.
2. Join a gym and work out at least three times a week.
3. Drink less (this needs to be improved on as a goal).

So I'm gonna do my damnedest to stick to those. I need some sort of way to busy myself all the time to avoid dealing with life. I'm beginning to feel stagnant again. For awhile, I had distractions by way of Zach. But I don't have that anymore. Which makes me realize that Fargo isn't the place for me and this life I'm trying to build for myself isn't going to work out here. Until I can move away, though, I need to find ways to avoid getting sucked into hopeless situations. Namely, I need to stop pretending things with Zach are going to become anything more than they are now, which is nothing. Less than nothing, really.

Toffee isn't too impressed with my faces.

Anyway, quick update on my life. It has been, like, two years since I blogged. John and I broke up. I had my fallopian tubes removed. I'm still living in Fargo. I got a dog! She is probably the best thing that has happened to me in a considerable amount of time. Her name is Toffee aka Toffmonster and she is so wonderful. I have changed jobs a few times and am currently the office manager of Spotlight Media, although I want to apply for a web editor position there. I'm feeling more and more disheartened each day, though, so I don't foresee that as part of my future.

I want to plan an adventure for myself. I need to get outta Fargo. I'm thinking Chicago for a weekend would be nice. I've never really traveled by myself, so that'll be its own adventure. I just need to break out of this funk that I've been in for, fuck, like, nine months. I feel like the last nine months have been a blur of drunken shenanigans and stupid drama.

I need something more. I can't keep living like this.

Apparently it's time for an update!

I always forget I have a blog...

Anyway, I'm at work right now. It's a conference day so that means I really have nothing to do. No kiddos to tutor, nothing. I spent my day updating my resume and applying for jobs. And right now, I'm procrastinating applying for an internship with The Stranger by updating my blog. I'm debating if I should send a link to this blog when I apply for that internship. I think this is a pretty accurate representation of me, both my writing style and my lifestyle, so I'm thinking I will.

So what has been happening in the last, like, nine months? Not a whole lot. Still with John. Still serving in AmeriCorps. Still don't know what I'm doing with my life. That part is a little stressful. I'm trying to just take life as it comes, though. No need to worry about things since they're gonna happen regardless.

My dad is in some trouble with the law. That's been freaking me out for awhile. I found out about that in, like, October? I think. And it's still going on. But both him and my mama are optimistic things will work out and the charges will be dismissed. I'm hoping so too. She told me his next court date, but I can't remember.

John is working in Lakewood and he's hopefully being trained as a manager for the next store they open. If I can get a job here doing something cool and that I like, we might be sticking around. If not, we'll be packing up and moving back to Fargo. I'm feeling conflicted about that. I really like it here, but I do miss home and all the wonderful shiz the Midwest has to offer. Plus family and all that jazz. I've made some pretty keen friends here, though. And I'm pretty terrible at that whole long distance friendship thing, so I'm scared to move away. Eep. Life.

Only other thing to update is this: I'm thinking about dyeing my hair red. Some people are supportive, others are concerned. My supervisor told me I should do, like, a dark brown with red underneath or some sort of ombre-type thing. I just need something new in my life. And I haven't dyed my hair since high school, so why not? I guess we'll see!

Well, that's about all to update. It's kinda ridiculous that the last nine months of my life haven't given me very much to write about. Oh well! Maybe I'll blog again sooner than the last. Maybe...

Time bomb.

My summer off has been the lamest summer I've had in a long time.

As I write this, John is back in Fargo. His gramma passed away on Monday, so he flew back for the funeral. Despite the tragic circumstances of his visit, I am so insanely jealous. I miss my family like nobody's business. It's strange. However, I probably miss them even more because I'm stressed. My mom told me my dad started smoking again, which freaks me the fuck out. I don't even know what to do with that information, but it scares me a lot. Like, he's already 61. He's been smoking for as long as I can remember, and I was so proud of him when I found out he quit chewing (he started to quit smoking). I hate being in Washington and so far, because what if something does happen? I mean, it's not like I can do anything anyways, but if his health were to deteriorate, I'd be closer so I could at least see him.

On top of that, I had a scary health thing happen. I went to get a pap smear, and I had abnormal results (something called LSIL). Of course, when you don't know much about that and the woman telling you your results says "HPV," your irrational mind immediately jumps to cancer. So then I had to get a colposcopy to have my cervix biopsied to find out if I should be worried and if my cells were doing anything terrible. While getting my colposcopy, I had to have my IUD removed since it was apparently coming out which then meant I had to take ella, which is an emergency contraceptive. The colposcopy wasn't so bad, just a little uncomfortable, but once I went to check out, I found out that the insurance I thought would cover the procedure actually wouldn't. So the woman at the counter told me I owed $421 for the colposcopy, but the IUD removal and ella would be covered. Ugh. So stressful. And now I have to get an IUD put in again, but I have to wait because Mother Nature just likes to impose herself on me at the worst times.

However, that's all mostly fine now. It turns out I only owe $351 and I can pay in monthly installments. AND my doctor called and told me that the changes in my cells are minor, so I just have to go back in for a HPV test next June. But by then, she said, it should clear itself up. Still a little stressful but not as much.

In another random tangent, I also think I am self-destructive. For example, well. There's many examples. Most of which I can't provide to you because then I'd really self-destruct. However, there is one I can give you since John knows about it. So he's gone to visit his family, right? Well, the idea of sleeping alone didn't appeal to me so I had my friend D'Andre come over to stay. I thought it'd make me sleep better and we were only going to sleep in the same bed, so I thought no harm, no foul. Anyway, it didn't help and after he got here, I wanted to ask him to leave but then I would've felt bad so I didn't. And really, I didn't need to tell John. I don't even know why I did. I'm just dumb.

One more random tangent, and hopefully John doesn't mind me sharing this. And if so, well. Maybe he shouldn't be with me. Haha. Anyway. We had our first threesome! It wasn't as amazing as I'd hoped for, but that's not due to any fault of mine or John's. The girl just. Yeah. Wasn't. ANYWAY! It was great and I can't wait to do it again.

And one more thing, two of my friends from college moved to Seattle! Whoot whoot! I'm so happy they're here. Even though we haven't talked much since I moved here because I fail at life, they're probably two people I consider in my circle of best friends. For reals. They're amazing people. And I'm excited they're here for at least the next year!

Anyway, this post is longer and more random than I planned. Sorry for that, but there's my brain on a webscreen. :)

P.S. I totally didn't even include all my brain vomit about Molly. That's just too much for this blog post. Maybe sometime I'll share all that noise. Maybe.

Rawr! I wish I was a dinosaur.

Hello! Long time, no post. :)

Since I've been MIA so long, lemme give you a quick recap of the last few months:

January - John and I moved into a new house. From day one, it's been pretty shitastic. It was pretty okay at first, but the house is so petty and juvenile. I've been seriously miserable.We've had to take care of our housemate's dog because he's a selfish, inconsiderate, narcissistic hunk of shit. I hate him. Truly and with every fiber of my being, I hate that man.

February - Same shit continued. Our gas/electricity might've been shut off this month. I can't remember. It's happened/almost happened a few times since we've lived in this house. It's pretty ridiculous. Paying bills on time is a challenge for some people, I guess.

March - Uhhh. Same shit. One of our housemates who we were originally cool with went to the dark side. It might've been this month. I think it was. She's kinda two-faced, so it's been interesting with her.

April - John's brother came to visit! Highlight of my time living in this house, for sure. I love Jeremy. I wish he could live with us. However, his visit led to some more unnecessary drama in the house. I don't care, though. It was so awesome having him here.

May - John and I started looking for a new place to live! We wanted to move either to Seattle or Tacoma, depending on the cost. It was stressful.

This might've been the month John let me play with Audrey. I can't remember. In either instance, it was a bad idea. John doesn't like me playing with others, even when he says he's cool with it. However, I am perfectly okay with him doing it. In fact, I encourage it.We've been looking into having threesomes and other somes. It's pretty exciting!

June - Here we are now, and John and I are moving to Tacoma at the end of the month. I just got an email today from someone who's possibly interested in moving in. I already feel bad for them, but hopefully two months won't kill them. And there's speculation that Martin will be moving out before the lease is up, so they may not have to suffer with him, only Christina.

Throughout all of this, my school has been awesome. I'm staying here through the summer to help out with summer school even though my contract is up on July 11. It's gonna be stressful and tricky since John and I will be in Tacoma and I don't drive and the bus system in Tacoma is kinda dumb. But we'll make it work. And the people we're moving in with seem way chill and much saner. So that'll be nice.

John and I have been having some issues, which kinda scare me since we're moving into a new house. He found out I slept with some dude back in October, so he's been more interested in going through my phone lately. It really sucks. We had a pretty bad night last night, so I'm not sure where we're headed. Maybe we won't move out? I don't know. I guess we'll find out.

On a less serious note, I wish I was a dinosaur. If I was, I'd want to be an apatosaurus or one of those cute little ones that attacked that little girl in Jurassic Park (I think it was the second movie). I'd totally terrorize people if I was one of them. If not, I'd probably just chill, eat leaves and whatnot. Life would be so simple.

Travelin'.

John and I are in the Midwest visiting family and friends. It's been pretty good. I totally surprised my parents when we showed up at the airport. I had told them it was just gonna be John, but then I came along too! It was great.

Rochester was a lotta fun. We mostly hung out with Tim, but John also got to meet the rest of my family. We celebrated Christmas, kinda, so he met all my nieces, too. They LOVED him! It was crazy, especially since he "hates" kids. I think he's full of shit, because he is awesome with them. He even bonded with Tim's ex-girlfriend's kid Brennan. He's amazing. :)

We just got to Moorhead, and it was a trip. The muffler on our car, like, fell off just outside Minneapolis, so we had to find a Walmart and do a quick fix. It sucked. So we got to Moorhead about an hour or so later than planned. So we just hung out with his brothers and friends. Not too exciting for me, since I always feel awkward around John's brothers/friends, but it's cool. I'm waking up early in the morning to have coffee with my ex-adviser, and the day is filled with friends. I'm pretty excited.

We're going to Bottineau on Friday to visit John's parents. I'm super excited about that. I love love love his parents. He doesn't appreciate them so he doesn't like them much, but he's just dumb. They're so great. Apparently they got me a gift card to Pangea for Christmas. John and I got his mom these cool elephant statues and I'm getting his dad some cool glasses and possibly an awkward shirt [if I can find it]. I'm srsly looking forward to seeing them. You have no idea.

After that, we're driving back to Federal Way. It's gonna be a long long drive. BUT! I get to see the one and only Sara Boom. So excited for that.

Random tangent. This girl I've had a crush on for forever started texting me the other day. Even though we're both in situations that would prevent anything from happening, I'm still really happy she started texting me. I get to see her while I'm visiting, and it's gonna be epic.

Anyway, that's all. I'm glad I'm visiting Moorhead because, as much as I hate Minnesota, I love the people in it.

-Laura