So lately, I've been reflecting on the last nine months of my life. I mean, honestly. It's basically been a shitshow. Let's go back in time, shall we?
Nine months ago, in November, I came back from California. A stupid act caused John to pull away from me. I deserved it, totally. And in return, I pulled away from John. We pretty much abandoned each other instead of trying to fix everything. As a result, I started drinking. A lot. And I wasn't eating much at all. It was probably the lowest I've ever been in my life, and I've been through a lotta shit. For some reason, my best friend, my soul mate, abandoning me was harder than anything I've had to deal with ever. It's still hard to deal with.
Then I met Zach. Zach seemed to be in the exact same place as I was. It was so easy to fall for him. I don't know if, in the beginning, I honestly had feelings for Zach or if he was just the thing I needed at that time. He was definitely not an easy person to have in my life. He was going through his own relationship shortcomings, and he wasn't ready to be with me in any real way. Somehow, his not wanting to be with me helped me realize that I wasn't in a healthy place with John anymore. And maybe I hadn't been for a long time. But because I was so alone, and so drunk, it was easy to end things with John. I probably didn't do it in the best way, but I did it the only way I knew how: crying and drunk.
Things got a little better after that. Zach came back, which I would realize was a pattern of his, where he'd weave in and out of my life at his own leisure. He was pretty reliable for a few months, and that was awesome, because John and I were still living together and John was seeing someone new (he had started seeing her in, like, October, which I knew about) and it was really hard to be home with him. I pretty much lived at Zach's for, like, a month. And it was lovely. I stopped drinking so much. I was eating better because Zach was cooking for me and making sure I was eating.
John moved out in April. Things with Zach were back and forth throughout the next couple months. It was rough. I didn't handle being alone well. Finally in June, Zach decided we were officially going to be a couple. It felt good. It felt like where we were supposed to be. Prior to this, I had decided to have surgery to remove my fallopian tubes. Kids weren't in my future. They never had been and I didn't want to worry about the possibility anymore. This made things weird with Zach, because he wasn't sure what he wanted. The day before my surgery, I had basically a break down. Zach, being the person he is, forced me to have a conversation I didn't want to have, about my fear of him leaving me, of being alone forever, of all these fears I had going into this surgery. At the end of it, I almost made him leave because it felt like the easier option. But he stayed. He wanted to be there for me. He wanted to be with me.
Then I had surgery. It went well. Zach was there the whole time. He took care of me afterwards.
And the next day, things changed. Zach changed. And by Saturday, we weren't together anymore.
It was a rough week after that. I was so scared. It was awful. I felt weak and pathetic and desperate. I started drinking a lot again. And then, things felt okay. I realized that Zach was right. We shouldn't be in a relationship. I'm not ready. He's not ready. But despite that realization, my feelings hadn't changed. And, surprise surprise, I ended up drunk at a bar where Zach was too. And it ended exactly as I should've guessed it would. He gave me a ride home, like a good friend, and we had this ridiculous blow out that I'm still not sure how it started. We were screaming at each other and it was the worst we've ever been to each other. And it ended with me crying in his arms.
All of this. I'm almost 27 and my life feels like a mess I can't keep up with. I need to make some changes, but it's so easy to fall back into the same habits. I don't know what I need. I'm not asking for advice. I won't listen anyway. I just need to get all this out. I need to not keep all these things inside. I need to figure out my feelings and my needs and my wants. I'm just not sure I know how.
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